Asking the Right Questions
How Shifting Focus Builds Self-Awareness and Resilience
Think back to a time when you were treated badly by someone. Maybe it was a stranger; maybe it was someone close. They said something hurtful, or acted inconsiderately, and it stung.
Afterward, when you replayed the event, what question echoed in your mind? For most of us, it’s the same: “Why?”
Why did they say that? Why did they treat me that way?
It’s a natural human response. We want to understand. But sometimes the questions we ask keep us trapped in the wrong place.
The Trouble with “Why?”
“Why” is a powerful word. It’s the question that fuels curiosity in children and leads to scientific discovery. “Why” helps us make sense of the world.
But like any tool, it can be misused. When applied to the behavior of others, “why” rarely leads anywhere helpful. Most of the time, you don’t have access to the real answer. Instead, you end up circling a loop of speculation, frustration, and overthinking. The question disempowers you, because the answer lies outside your control.
Better Questions
When you’ve been wronged, two questions are far more useful:
What am I feeling?
Why do I feel this way?
They shift the focus inward, where your insight and influence actually matter.
What Am I Feeling?
Anger is often the first emotion to surface. That’s normal; anger signals a perceived threat or injustice. But anger can also be a mask for deeper emotions we’re less comfortable with—sadness, guilt, shame, or fear.
Expressing anger can feel powerful, but it doesn’t necessarily help you understand the situation. Pausing to dig deeper - What’s beneath my anger? - opens the door to real insight.
Why Do I Feel This Way?
Here, “why” becomes useful again. Not “Why did they do that?” but “Why do I feel this way?”
Sometimes the answer is simple: I was disrespected, and my anger is justified. In those moments, acknowledging the truth is enough. If the person is a stranger or someone who doesn’t affect your life, you can let it go and move forward.
Other times, the answer reveals complexity. Maybe the person is someone close to you. Maybe the anger touches a more vulnerable place. In those cases, reflection is key. Ask yourself:
Do I believe this person intended to hurt me?
If not, what conversation might help us repair trust?
If so, why am I maintaining a relationship with someone I believe wishes me harm?
These questions shift your energy away from dissecting their motives and toward choosing your own best response.
Taking Back Agency
Asking “Why did they do that?” keeps you powerless, chasing answers you may never find. Asking “What am I feeling?” and “Why do I feel this way?” puts the focus where it belongs; on your insight, your choices, and your well-being.
The questions we ask don’t just shape our understanding. They shape our freedom. And when we choose the right ones, we take back the power to respond with clarity instead of spiraling in confusion.
About the Author
Rod Price has spent his career in human services, supporting mental health and addiction recovery, and teaching courses on human behavior. A lifelong seeker of meaning through music, reflection, and quiet insight, he created Quiet Frontier as a space for thoughtful conversation in a noisy world.