Quiet Frontier

The Guilt Trap: Why Setting Boundaries Feels Like a Crime

Video (11:31): Not all guilt is misplaced. Sometimes we really do need to take responsibility and repair a relationship. But feeling guilty doesn’t automatically mean we’ve done something wrong. In this video, we explore why setting boundaries can feel like doing something wrong, even when you’re simply taking responsibility for your own well-being.

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Transcript

00:00:00 so you’ve done it finally after years or months of stretching yourself way too thin

00:00:11 you finally set a boundary maybe it was something simple like telling your boss hey i can’t take on

00:00:19 any more projects until i clear some of this other stuff off my plate or maybe it was more

00:00:25 personal like telling a family member i’m not going to be able to come to that holiday dinner

00:00:31 if you’re gonna keep bringing up that thing that happened five years ago

00:00:35 and it probably felt pretty good for maybe about five seconds and then that boundary hangover

00:00:44 started to kick in and suddenly you weren’t thinking about your well-being or your schedule

00:00:51 you were thinking about did i sound too harsh

00:00:55 or you’re convincing yourself that you’re some kind of cold-hearted monster

00:01:03 who just irrevocably damaged a relationship over something trivial why is it that doing

00:01:11 something healthy for ourselves sometimes feels like some kind of social crime so let’s take a

00:01:17 look at this boundary guilt and some ways that you can get it to stop tricking you into undoing

00:01:25 the progress

00:01:25 that you’ve been making feeling guilty after setting a boundary doesn’t necessarily mean

00:01:31 you did something wrong it means you’re human and for better or for worse we live in a society

00:01:38 that tends to value harmony over health but where does this guilt actually come from

00:01:47 generally it kind of boils down to four main sources the first one is expectations we all

00:01:55 have this kind of invisible contract with the people in our lives you’re the reliable one

00:02:02 you’re the peacekeeper you’re the one who always says yes when we change a behavior it’s not just

00:02:12 the behavior that’s changing that contract has changed also and people don’t really like it when

00:02:20 the terms of a contract change and the second thing is

00:02:25 the relationship patterns if you’ve spent years overly accommodating other people when you set a boundary it may feel like an attack to them even though it’s not an attack it’s just a deviation from the norm you kind of train people to expect complete and total access to your time and energy now that that’s changed people tend to get confused

00:02:55 and the third thing is internalized obligations this is that voice in your head that says

00:03:01 but they’re family or they’ve done so much for me we often confuse gratitude for indebtedness

00:03:10 just because somebody helped you move three years ago doesn’t mean that they have a permanent lean

00:03:16 on all of your saturday afternoons from here on in and then finally there’s that discomfort that comes

00:03:24 when we feel like we’re not being able to do anything and we’re not being able to do anything

00:03:25 we’re disappointing other people disappointment disappointing feels bad and we’re social creatures

00:03:33 for our ancestors in the wild disappointing or being disliked by the members of the tribe could

00:03:40 mean that you’re facing potentially life-threatening situations all on your own so now

00:03:47 we look at a disappointed mother-in-law like a life-threatening predator

00:03:53 basically your brain is screaming

00:03:55 danger when all you’ve really said is i need a nap and then when considering the the boundaries

00:04:03 that we do set it’s really important to apply some critical thinking not all guilt is fake guilt

00:04:13 sometimes we really do mess up and the trick is to distinguish that unproductive guilt

00:04:21 from genuine responsibility

00:04:25 unproductive guilt is that guilt that you feel when you feel bad for just protecting your own

00:04:33 peace you haven’t violated anyone else’s rights you basically just stop violating your own this

00:04:42 is kind of the guilt that you feel when you tell a friend i can’t talk on the phone for three hours

00:04:48 every night but then there’s genuine responsibility and this is where the boundary was delivered

00:04:55 with cruelty or it contradicts some commitment that you’ve already made it comes from telling

00:05:03 somebody i have boundaries now as an excuse to cancel 10 minutes before you promise to drive them

00:05:11 somewhere a good way to tell the difference between these two things is just ask yourself

00:05:18 the simple question did i cause harm or did i cause disappointment

00:05:25 harm is when you break trust or you lie or you act with some kind of malice disappointment is what happens when somebody else’s desires aren’t met

00:05:39 now if you caused harm that should probably lead to an apology and some kind of repair of the relationship but if you really just caused disappointment

00:05:52 by prioritizing your own well-being and

00:05:55 Then the guilt you’re feeling

00:05:58 a signal that you need to change your behavior

00:06:03 it’s really a signal of personal growth you can think of it kind of like a growing pain

00:06:10 but when that guilt hits and it will it does create huge psychological tension for us

00:06:19 and our brain hates that psychological tension so it’s going to try and find the shortest path

00:06:25 to

00:06:25 resolving it. And one of the first things it might try to do is over-explanation. You’ve already set

00:06:32 the boundary, but now you feel compelled to call and clarify or to send a message that’s a paragraph

00:06:39 long explaining why you needed to set the boundary. So in other words, you’re basically trying to

00:06:44 provide evidence of the need for the boundary. And the problem with that is that it’s a form of

00:06:52 apology in itself. It basically tells the other person that the boundaries you’ve set are up for

00:07:00 negotiation. And now they can negotiate a new response if they can just find the flaw in your

00:07:09 reasoning. And then there’s that unnecessary apology. That’s the one that says, I’m so sorry,

00:07:16 please don’t be mad. I wish I could, but I just can’t. When you apologize for a healthy boundary,

00:07:22 you’re basically telling the other person that your needs are an inconvenience. You’re apologizing

00:07:29 for being a person with limits. And then finally, there’s the total retreat. This is when the guilt

00:07:37 gets so bad that you just cave in. Fine, I’ll do it. Just stop making me feel bad.

00:07:46 So you’ve successfully relieved that discomfort, but what’s the cost? You’re

00:07:52 basically telling the other person that your needs are an inconvenience that you’re apologizing for

00:07:52 told the other person that if they make you feel guilty enough, those boundaries are going to

00:07:57 vanish. So you might have solved that problem, the temporary discomfort, but you’ve created an

00:08:06 ongoing situation where resentment is going to keep building. There is an alternative to these

00:08:13 responses, but it can be pretty uncomfortable. You kind of have to learn to sit with that guilt.

00:08:19 We sometimes think that if we make the right decision or do the right thing, that it’s going

00:08:26 to immediately cause us to feel good. But in reality, oftentimes doing the right thing

00:08:33 or making the right decision will make us feel kind of terrible at first. It’s really important

00:08:40 to realize that the emotion doesn’t validate or invalidate the action that you took or the

00:08:48 action that you are taking.

00:08:49 Just because you feel like a bad person doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re

00:08:56 acting like one. Guilt is just an emotion and it’s not always a moral compass. Sometimes it’s just a

00:09:04 signal that your nervous system is reacting to the changes that you’re making. So some things to do

00:09:11 when you start to feel that guilt. The first thing to do is name it. I’m feeling guilty right now

00:09:17 because I set a boundary. And then check that filter. Did I cause harm or did I just cause

00:09:24 disappointment? And then finally hold the line. It’s okay to be uncomfortable during that time

00:09:32 when you’re learning to protect your own peace. The more you tolerate that initial wave of

00:09:40 discomfort without trying to fix it by over explaining or apologizing or over apologizing,

00:09:47 the quieter that voice is going to get over time. In fact, once the dust settles, you’ll often find

00:09:55 that the relationships are actually a lot healthier because they’re now based on honesty

00:10:02 rather than on resentment. Like I’ve said before, setting boundaries isn’t building walls to keep

00:10:11 people out. It’s more like building a gate to determine who gets to come in.

00:10:17 And under what terms they come in. And yeah, some people may not like the new gate. And that’s okay.

00:10:26 If someone’s only happy with you when you have no limits, then they’re not really fond of you.

00:10:33 They’re fond of your lack of boundaries. So during the coming week, try to set one healthy

00:10:41 boundary. And if that guilt comes, don’t apologize. Just say,

00:10:47 sit with it. See what happens. And if this helps you make sense of some of that internal chaos that

00:10:56 comes when we’re trying to make changes, subscribe. Thanks very much for watching. Take good care.